tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-143210472012-02-16T02:57:33.216-05:00All your favorite current events, from politics to sports to Iranian arms deals, satirized for your full enjoyment. As the ancient proverb says: "It's not news until someone makes a joke at its expense."jereminatenoreply@blogger.comBlogger941100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1160069448168635342006-10-05T13:04:00.001-04:002008-02-24T14:35:43.974-05:00

The Armchair Politician has been stagnant for some time now, and this is merely a proper acknowledgement.This site isn't going anywhere, and perhaps the Armchair will be filled again someday. But, for now, simply enjoy the posts that were.

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1144261772586265942006-04-05T14:02:00.000-04:002006-04-05T14:29:32.656-04:00

The Washington Post reported that the Government Accountability Office has found that strict requirements from the Bush White House on how much of AIDS prevention money in Africa should be used for abstinence programs "presents challenges to their ability to respond to the local epidemiology and cultural and social norms." Voices from around the nation have chimed in with the opinions of those to

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1144111131538604042006-04-03T19:56:00.000-04:002006-04-03T20:39:29.926-04:00

The dedicated staff of one at the Armchair Politician (sort of like the Army of One, but less fatigued killing, more fatiguing writing) has been hitting the news wires hard lately, vainly trying to scrounge up something of which to make the subject fun.Nothing, but death penalties, killer storms, and life-taking explosions. Since the real news is too dark to make light of, this story serves as

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1143830268588067182006-03-31T13:36:00.000-05:002006-03-31T13:53:12.970-05:00

It was reported recently that some scientists are now calling for a so-called "fat tax" on sodas and fast food, in the interest of forcing the public toward what they view as healthier choices. However, some U.S. Congressmen, who requested to remain anonymous, knowing that their quotes would be mostly fabricated anyway, have already said that they'd like to go much further than taxing merely

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1143660478165297942006-03-29T14:02:00.000-05:002006-03-29T14:29:34.436-05:00

Recently, a Connecticut house cat who goes only by the name Lewis was accused of terrorizing a Fairfield neighborhood. Lewis reportedly bit and scratched several people in a severe manner over a span of three years. He has now been ordered to serve a lifetime sentence of house arrest. The Armchair Politician recently visited Lewis for an exclusive interview.AP: Thank you for spending some time

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1143656619388857812006-03-29T11:43:00.000-05:002006-03-29T13:23:39.470-05:00

With Republicans generally tied to the President's low approval ratings and Democrats still largely viewed as the party of idealess contrarians, the Armchair Politician wonders if political pundits will begin wondering whether these attitudes will mark an upward trend for third parties in the 2006 elections. It could be that American citizens, fed up with the options provided, will flock to

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1143582738211735562006-03-28T16:44:00.000-05:002006-03-28T16:52:18.226-05:00

According to BBC News, mass job protests have hit France. The White House issued the following brief statement in response: "No hitting, please."There is no word yet on whether France plans to hit back, but the White House has also stated that, if that should happen, it has full intentions to "send both sides to their rooms."There is no word yet on whether France and the mass job protests would

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1143474639092149352006-03-27T10:48:00.000-05:002006-03-27T10:59:41.996-05:00

In an alarming move that few will notice, the Armchair Politician posted a story to the blog, The Armchair Politician, today. This comes after a 4.5-month absence. While the blog is not widely read, rumors still surfaced. Primary among them was the rumor believed by most to be true: that the Armchair Politician had not posted to the blog during that absence.When asked to comment on the surprising

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1131992293026776802005-11-14T13:14:00.000-05:002005-11-14T13:18:13.046-05:00

How long will it be before the vast left-wing conspiracy and the vast right-wing conspiracy join forces and fly this country to freedom?How long will it be before the vast left-wing conspiracy and the vast right-wing conspiracy are revealed to be the same conspiracy, run by head conspirator Dick Cheney, who isn't really evil, it turns out, but just likes to cause trouble?[Previous Pairs]

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1130533692257912672005-10-28T16:55:00.000-04:002005-10-28T17:18:54.513-04:00

The avian flu virus hit North Africa in a most unexpected form recently. In a developing story that is still baffling the world's top scientists, a herd of goats have contracted an apparently rare strain of the avian flu that actually makes the goats take on the characteristics of other birds. In the accompanying photograph, these goats are seen taking flight to a nearby tree, where they perch,

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1130522099638836922005-10-28T13:54:00.000-04:002005-10-28T17:19:50.860-04:00

Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts declared on Friday that the U.S. Constitution is unconstitutional, according to the U.S. Constitution. Roberts explained his decision by saying, "This constitution constitutes that if we are to constitute a constituency of constituents constituated by some form of constitutionality, we must deconstitutionalize." Jan Crawford Greenburg, Supreme Court

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1128105505601798462005-09-30T14:30:00.000-04:002005-09-30T14:38:25.610-04:00

Former Education Secretary William Bennett... on his radio show, "Morning in America," was answering a caller's question when he took issue with the hypothesis put forth in a recent book that one reason crime is down is that abortion is up. "But I do know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country,

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1128089764064176462005-09-30T09:28:00.000-04:002005-09-30T10:17:02.853-04:00

If America up and got rid of its military, would that mean it'd also have to get rid of the commander in chief?If America up and got rid of the president, would that mean it'd also have to keep the executive branch alive by replacing the top position with something more reasonable, like a nice slice of pumpkin pie, with some whipped cream?[Previous Pairs]

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127711347962476732005-09-26T15:06:00.000-04:002005-09-26T16:20:27.950-04:00

(MINNESOTA VIKINGS EDITION: WEEK 3)(1)"No... your teeth are fine."(2)"Now, Coach, just settle down... no--no, we don't want to see what else you have in your pants."(3)"I'm number one! I'm number--hey, wait!"(4)"I am Thor: master of the Whack-a-Mole!"[Feel free to provide your own quote via the comments, you funny lad or lass, you.]Pict-o-Quote Archive

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127707726445038542005-09-25T23:54:00.000-04:002005-09-26T00:08:46.446-04:00

Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has unveiled a new initiative he hopes will help balance the budget, while avoiding the usual tricky accounting measures used to temporarily keep it balanced each spring. His intentions have been made clear that he will not raise a single tax in this state (except when he calls them “user fees”). Naturally, if revenues are to remain steady, the only way to balance

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127707542383182992005-09-25T23:43:00.000-04:002005-09-26T00:05:42.383-04:00

How long will it be before the iPod comes in a pill form that the user digests and then hears the songs he or she wants to hear--for 99 cents per song--right inside his or her own head?How long will it be before the porn industry grabs hold of this idea, only to have it wrestled away by Congress, who will then use it to feed the masses petty-insult-ridden campaign commercials?[Previous Pairs]

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127707195558592432005-09-25T23:30:00.000-04:002005-09-25T23:59:55.570-04:00

If Hurricane Katrina was really sent by God to punish sinners in New Orleans, was Rita a sign that Bush's Texas Holy Land is also full of sinners?If Hurricane Katrina was really sent by God to punish sinners in New Orleans, does that mean the rest of the hurricane-free country is doing a-okay in God's book (not to be confused with the Bible)?[Previous Pairs]

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127254220646662862005-09-20T17:42:00.000-04:002005-09-20T18:10:20.656-04:00

Psst! President Bush's mission to make himself the lifelong ruler of a theocratic America is merely the first step in a far greater plan that will involve, among other things, a mass effort to convert homosexuals (to the Republican Party), the annointing of Pat Robertson and Michael Moore as joint chairmen of the Board of Insanity, the creation of a permanent congressional task force to look into

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127167728343811962005-09-19T17:58:00.000-04:002005-09-19T18:08:48.353-04:00

The new owner of the Minnesota Vikings football team, Zygi Wilf, was recently informed that his April Fool's joke was five months and 18 days too late.Wilf, ever the jokester, recently proposed that the Vikings build a $675 million retractable roof football stadium in the Minneapolis suburb of Blaine, MN. He suggested that $240 million come from Anoka County sales taxes, and that $200 million

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127167073743587682005-09-19T17:32:00.000-04:002005-09-19T18:26:01.940-04:00

Is there any way to justify spending $104 billion to send astronauts back to the moon other than a potential for off-Earth oil exploration?Is there any way Nasa could turn the next moon mission into a reality TV show, possibly called "Road Rules: Moon," "Survivor: Lunar Landing," or "The Apprentice 13," featuring the classic tag line, "You're fired--into the sun!"?[Previous Pairs]

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127136466251227542005-09-19T09:23:00.000-04:002005-09-19T09:27:46.253-04:00

"Dick? Condi? Wake me up! I'm having that dream again...."[Feel free to provide your own quote via the comments, you funny lad or lass, you.]Pict-o-Quote Archive

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127109850035264622005-09-18T23:59:00.000-04:002005-09-19T09:01:36.150-04:00

If a poor American ran for president in a highly publicized candidacy, would he or she do well on Election Day?If a poor American were elected president, would his or her background greatly affect the way he or she ran the country, or would the American political structure and the way human nature handles great power ultimately rule?Bonus follow-up question: If President Bush had a poor

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126821748043281552005-09-16T18:28:00.000-04:002005-09-16T18:40:55.723-04:00

Iran is ready to trade nuclear secrets with other Islamic states for peaceful purposes, the country's leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said.... Irna quoted the Iranian president as saying: "With respect to the needs of Islamic countries, we are ready to transfer nuclear know-how to these countries."The immediate reply from the White House was, "Pfft. Like those 'secrets' are anything we don't know

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126909360749511672005-09-16T18:15:00.000-04:002005-09-16T18:22:40.756-04:00

It was reported recently that, "Three mice infected with the bacteria responsible for bubonic plague apparently disappeared from a laboratory about two weeks ago." And though, "health experts said there was scant public risk," that didn't stop fingers from being pointed in every direction. Most distinctly, the fingers have been pointed to the left and the right.A small group of liberals, lead by

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126908106238773022005-09-16T17:48:00.000-04:002005-09-16T18:01:46.246-04:00

The new iPod nano is a marvel of technology; no one has yet to doubt this. But some groups, including some Christian fundamentalists and conservative ethicists, argue that Apple Computer, the designer of the mobile music device, has begun to push the ethical boundaries. One activist said in a recent interview that, "Advancements in technology are great, but we need to start asking ourselves: have

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126821525836160642005-09-15T17:50:00.000-04:002005-09-19T09:23:13.006-04:00

"That's right, peasants. Line up and stand in awe of my magnificent trophy."[Feel free to provide your own quote via the comments, you funny lad or lass, you.]Pict-o-Quote Archive

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126800293455023782005-09-15T11:52:00.000-04:002005-09-19T09:01:49.723-04:00

Is it a sign that there are too many reality shows when a person watches the John Roberts confirmation hearings and expects after every round of questions to see an intimate aside where Roberts talks to the camera about how he feels about what just happened and how, if it were legal, he'd grab Chuck Schumer by the neck and ring him until the shrillness stops?Is it a sign that there are too many

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126734714124375082005-09-14T17:41:00.000-04:002005-09-14T17:51:54.170-04:00

US oil giant Exxon Mobil made a record $25.3bn profit in 2004 as it benefited from the surge in crude oil prices.... Revenues hit a record $298bn as worries over disruption to oil supplies in Iraq, Nigeria and Russia lifted prices. The firm's annual profit is higher than the gross domestic product of Syria.Exxon Mobil officials at a recent press conference said that they were pleased the oil

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126633211132024282005-09-13T13:56:00.000-04:002005-09-13T13:58:47.050-04:00

Doing his best not to crack a smile, President Bush said at a news conference on Tuesday that, "To the extent the federal government didn't fully do its job right, I take responsibility."In the back of the room at the White House, Michael Moore could be heard exclaiming, "AHA! See? See? I knew it!" The comments were met with both shushes and sighs.Meanwhile, it become increasingly clear that

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126589232956372662005-09-13T08:59:00.000-04:002005-09-13T08:59:35.863-04:00

With just over three years before the 2008 presidential election, it is no surprise that presidential candidates have already begun to visit the state of New Hampshire, site of the first primary election, traditionally the only primary election that matters. Potential Aught-Eight presidential candidates who have already made an appearance in New Hampshire in recent weeks include Wesley Clark,

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126561513451339982005-09-12T17:31:00.000-04:002005-09-13T16:19:51.883-04:00

Chat show host Oprah Winfrey is furious over the way the victims of Hurricane Katrina have been treated, and believes America owes the survivors an apology. "I think... this country owes these people an apology. This makes me so mad. This should not have happened." Winfrey wore a gas mask as she toured New Orleans' now-empty Superdome, which housed thousands of people in disgusting conditions for

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126560284668429302005-09-12T17:19:00.000-04:002005-09-12T17:25:45.930-04:00

Special guest hat!Psst!"...The man-made annihilation of New Orleans [was] caused not by a hurricane but by the very specific decisions made by the Bush administration in the past four and a half years.... Our country is in an immediate state of vulnerability. More hurricanes, wars, and other disasters are on the way, and a lazy bunch of self-satisfied lunatics are still running the show."Pass it

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126797278798823142005-09-12T11:13:00.000-04:002005-09-15T14:40:31.770-04:00

Notes: Those brief items of news- and site-related importance that started appearing at the top of the main page on September 12, 2005.9/15: What you've always dreamed of: a "Special Features Archive" menu has been added to the sidebar.9/15: President Bush will address the nation from LA at 9:00 p.m. EDT.9/13: MN primary election. Click for full results via Star Tribune.9/12: The Armchair

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126498036682780152005-09-11T23:57:00.000-04:002005-09-12T00:07:16.683-04:00

Is America really as politically divided as the polls indicate, or is the 50-50 split simply the statistical result of the vast majority of the electorate being forced to choose between two choices for which it cares little?Is America really as economically divided as the census indicates, or has the vast left-wing conspiracy simply stretched its oily arms into the Census Bureau in a desperate

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126497400832956892005-09-11T23:47:00.000-04:002005-09-11T23:56:40.840-04:00

Psst!Hurricane Katrina was intentionally generated by President Bush and his powerful foes of the environment using years of slow and methodical greenhouse gas emissions in a cunning attempt to jack up oil prices, thereby creating more revenues for oil producers, thereby increasing the amount of Republican campaign contributions, thereby ultimately increasing Bush's chance for re-election, which

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126387376012292162005-09-10T17:20:00.000-04:002005-09-10T17:23:09.856-04:00

"Yes, sir, those are very nice. But we're still going to have to ask you to leave."Previous Pict-o-quotes: 8/30/05|8/12/05|8/4/05[Feel free to provide your own quote via the comments, you funny lad or lass, you.]

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126385175186428902005-09-10T17:11:00.000-04:002005-09-10T17:21:05.473-04:00

If September 11 is Patriot Day, what will August 29 be called?Seriously. Isn't every day Patriot Day?Previous Pairs: 8/30/05|8/27/05|8/27/05|8/22/05|8/20/05|8/15/058/15/05|8/10/05|8/7/05|8/4/05|8/3/05|8/2/05|8/1/05|7/29/05

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126386161651913062005-09-10T16:52:00.000-04:002005-09-10T17:02:41.656-04:00

On Friday, September 1, "A celebrity telethon for Hurricane Katrina survivors took an unexpected turn when outspoken rapper Kanye West went off script during the live broadcast.... He stated, 'George Bush doesn't care about black people.'" Reports from the White House indicate that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, an African-American, watched the NBC telethon. Following West's comments, she

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126384347491116762005-09-10T16:18:00.000-04:002005-09-10T16:32:27.500-04:00

"Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this, this is working very well for them," [Barbara] Bush told American Public Media's "Marketplace" program, before returning to her multi-million dollar Houston home. On the tape of the interview, Mrs. Bush chuckles audibly....Political scientist Polly Psi

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1125679789299769932005-09-02T12:18:00.000-04:002005-09-02T12:49:49.313-04:00

Responding to cuss-filled criticism from New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin regarding hurricane relief efforts, "President Bush admitted 'the results are not acceptable' and pledged to bolster the relief efforts with a personal trip to the Gulf Coast on Friday." Upon seeing many a reporter's mouth agape, press secretary Scott McClellan was quick to point out, "That was not an admission of error. To

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1125414198929110822005-08-30T11:03:00.000-04:002005-08-30T11:03:47.826-04:00

"Ha ha! Yes, yes, we hate the Americans in Russia, too.What? No, they don't know about our plans to unite into a double-secret Communist superpower."Previous Pict-o-quotes: 8/12/05|8/4/05[Feel free to provide your own quote via the comments, you funny lad or lass, you.]

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1125409289453502882005-08-30T09:41:00.000-04:002005-08-30T09:44:23.313-04:00

So... how long until the government declares that we are engaged in a global War on Natural Disasters and that the war is being fought on many fronts and that it will be a long war and that we're working hard and that we need to fight the natural disasters before we have to fight them on our own soil because we don't want to have another Katrina, so we better invade Cuba?So... how long until the

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1125408019863644992005-08-30T09:20:00.000-04:002005-08-30T09:20:19.876-04:00

Commuters are used to traffic backups during the rush-hour commute on the Golden Gate Bridge. But even this had to throw some of them for a loop: An ostrich got loose from a minivan Monday and started roaming around near the toll plaza on the bridge.The San Francisco area, and the Golden Gate Bridge in particular, has been on a high terror watch ever since September 11, 2001. It came as no

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1125153745131768802005-08-27T10:34:00.000-04:002005-08-27T10:42:25.133-04:00

CRAWFORD, Texas (AP) - The White House withheld judgment on Friday on the latest proposal to break an impasse on an Iraq constitution despite an attempt by President Bush to move the process forward with a phone call to a top Iraqi Shiite leader.Bush called Abdul-Aiz al-Hakim on Wednesday - Thursday in Iraq - to "discuss current developments," said White House spokesman Trent Duffy."It reflects .

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1125153070508666142005-08-27T10:29:00.000-04:002005-08-27T10:31:10.510-04:00

Would the world really become a happier place if everyone skipped instead of walked, or would there just be a large increase in bruised shins and other skipping-related injuries?Would the world really become a happier place if everyone consulted holy men instead of lawyers, or would there just be a large increase in pious prisoners and other just-cause-related mishaps and mayhem?Previous Pairs: 8

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1125152965901002462005-08-27T10:26:00.000-04:002005-08-27T10:29:25.903-04:00

Given President Bush’s plummeting approval ratings, is it safe to assume that a large percentage of Americans made a silly mistake on November 2, 2004, or is it safer to assume that John Kerry was an awful, awful candidate?Given President Bush’s plummeting approval ratings, is it safe to assume that the Democrats will do reasonably well in the 2006 midterm elections, or is it safer to assume the

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1125152770441399562005-08-27T10:21:00.000-04:002005-08-27T10:26:10.446-04:00

The time has come to get this potential aught-eight presidential candidate out of the way. Perhaps if this case is settled now, it will never be raised again. Right. And the dead will never be raised again either.Hillary "Power Whore" Rodham Clinton. If the Democrats do indeed end up latching onto this specimen, the reasoning will be clear: "In 2004, we went for the candidate who most felt had

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124920082720973472005-08-24T17:30:00.000-04:002005-08-24T17:48:02.776-04:00

The Pentagon has ordered 1,500 paratroopers to Iraq to provide security in advance of two upcoming national votes, the military announced Wednesday.The additional paratroopers were ordered to make a successful situation even more successful. This comes as no shock to those who follow the U.S. military's policies closely, as one of the first tenets of good warfare, according to the Pentagon, is

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124891699559807772005-08-24T09:38:00.000-04:002005-08-24T09:54:59.596-04:00

Pat Robertson recently called for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Curiously, Robertson has not called for the assassination of Kim Jong il, Saddam Hussein (in any of his many forms: President Hussein, Fugitive Hussein, Humiliated Prisoner Hussein, or Professor Hussein), or even Adolf Hitler. When reached for comment, President Chavez said, "So? I've called for Pat’s

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124726706956602822005-08-22T11:26:00.000-04:002005-08-22T12:05:41.196-04:00

(Replete with images!)How far into gas price hysteria will the country descend before people start treating gas-guzzling race car races with the same contempt they do gas-guzzling SUVs?How far into Hillary hysteria will the country descend before people start treating tax-guzzling Republicans with the same contempt they do tax-guzzling Democrats?Previous Pairs: 8/20/05|8/15/05|8/15/05|8/10/058/7/

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124603907468784682005-08-21T01:08:00.000-04:002005-08-21T01:58:27.473-04:00

Psst!Saddam Hussein actually ordered the War on Iraq himself in an elaborate ploy to remove himself from power unscathed and in prime position to star in his own new reality TV show, "A Very Special Judge Judy: Saddam on Trial," all after coming to the shrewd conclusion that oil revenues will eventually dry up while ad revenues will flow forever.Pass it on.Previous Whispers: 8/18/05

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124602452015267742005-08-21T00:40:00.000-04:002005-08-21T01:34:12.023-04:00

Northwest Airlines mechanics have gone on strike, and that can only mean one thing: Northwest Airlines mechanics have gone on strike.For further analysis, The Armchair Politician turned to Northwest Airlines mechanics. According to one mechanic, "We're on strike." But another mechanic had a different take on the story: "We're picketing," he said. He paused, then added, "We're picketing because

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124515924195269162005-08-20T01:29:00.000-04:002005-08-20T01:32:04.203-04:00

When the rapture comes, will people finally stop complaining about everything?What does "parallel" mean?Previous Pairs: 8/15/05|8/15/05|8/10/05|8/7/05|8/4/05|8/3/05|8/2/05|8/1/05|7/29/05

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124391546807749642005-08-18T14:55:00.000-04:002005-08-18T14:59:06.806-04:00

Psst!Cindy Sheehan was actually hired by high-ranking Republicans to stage her supposed protest outside President Bush's ranch in a cunning attempt to draw in Democrats and watch them meet their political doom.Pass it on.

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124314970219183162005-08-18T14:08:00.000-04:002005-08-18T14:22:18.026-04:00

If a group of US researchers have their way, lions, cheetahs, elephants and camels could soon roam parts of North America, Nature magazine reports.Some scientists claim this move could restore long-lost biodiversity in the Great Plains states. Local wildlife, however, feel their homeland is diverse enough."These antelope and camels and elephants think they can come in here and eat our food, take

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124223886458275912005-08-16T15:57:00.000-04:002005-08-16T16:24:46.466-04:00

Minneapolis police have a new lead on the suspect who robbed a woman of $50 and a bottle of Pepsi, then killed her by running her over with a car after she tried to get it back. After "a rush to purchase $50 used laptops turned into a violent stampede Tuesday, with people getting thrown to the pavement, beaten with a folding chair and nearly driven over" in Richmond, Virginia, Minneapolis

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124208436701421352005-08-16T11:54:00.000-04:002005-08-18T14:03:58.126-04:00

The top leaders of the Minnesota House and Senate have begun talking up a special legislative session to consider sports stadiums and other unfinished business, but a spokesman for Gov. Tim Pawlenty on Monday essentially advised legislators to chill out."It's only been a month and two days since the second-longest special session in state history ended," said Brian McClung, Pawlenty's press

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124206230852812582005-08-16T11:26:00.000-04:002005-08-16T11:30:30.860-04:00

"What we expected to achieve was never realistic given the timetable or what unfolded on the ground," said a senior official involved in policy since the 2003 invasion. "We are in a process of absorbing the factors of the situation we're in and shedding the unreality that dominated at the beginning."Despite these admissions, President Bush himself sent shockwaves through the media by remaining

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124118243134298782005-08-15T10:57:00.000-04:002005-08-15T12:16:23.293-04:00

After a woman had the gall to demand that a man return the $50 and bottle of Pepsi he stole from her at a gas station in Minneapolis on Saturday, the robber ran her over with his car.The Armchair Politician spoke with local liberals, who seemed to agree with each other that "this is just another result of Bush's reactionary policies. If it wasn't for his tax-cuts to the rich and his illegal war

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124082051522734272005-08-15T10:06:00.000-04:002005-08-15T11:04:39.663-04:00

Does George W. Bush really think that something called the "War on Terror" can have any success, given the colossal do-nothingness of such campaigns as the War on Poverty and the War on Drugs?Does George W. Bush really think?Previous Pairs: 8/15/05|8/10/05|8/7/05|8/4/05|8/3/05|8/2/05|8/1/05|7/29/05

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1124081886327047212005-08-15T10:00:00.000-04:002005-08-15T10:03:35.576-04:00

If Hillary Clinton succeeds at using Congress to parent the nation's children, will the nation's children all end up being a bunch of Chelseas?If Hillary Clinton succeeds at using Congress to parent the nation's children, will the nation's fathers all end up being a bunch of Slick Willys?Previous Pairs: 8/10/05|8/7/05|8/4/05|8/3/05|8/2/05|8/1/05|7/29/05

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123869761765448612005-08-12T13:49:00.000-04:002005-08-12T14:06:05.416-04:00

"Huh...?......Ma?"Previous Pict-o-quotes: 8/4/05[Feel free to provide your own quote via the comments, you funny lad or lass, you.]

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123868425017409352005-08-12T13:13:00.000-04:002005-08-12T13:40:25.033-04:00

In another example of consumer advocacy run amok, recent patients at two Triangle hospitals run by Duke University Health System have been complaining after they heard that surgical instruments were washed in used hydraulic fluid. The claim is that it would have been more sanitary to wash the instruments in detergent made specifically for that purpose, and not with "a petroleum product called 32

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123768379851698402005-08-11T09:32:00.000-04:002005-08-11T09:54:24.706-04:00

Mark Kennedy's U.S. Senate campaign website, under fire for deleting negative comments from news stories before posting them, will now link users to the full text of articles.It's nice to be heard. Here is the link to my story, Mark: link.[Heidi] Frederickson, who runs the site and chose the excerpts, said the flap over the articles was politically motivated. "The whole issue is just a

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123681595969198812005-08-10T10:15:00.000-04:002005-08-10T10:07:30.766-04:00

"Waiter? What's a 'Shakespearean Porkchop?'""A Hamlet, sir.""I see. Shouldn't that exchange have been the other way around?"

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123681413505850002005-08-10T10:12:00.000-04:002005-08-10T10:06:58.626-04:00

I didn't know what to have for breakfast this morning. So I asked, "Breakfast, will you marry me?" "Cantaloupe," said Breakfast. "Yes," I said, "We should do this right."

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123682774938471462005-08-10T09:54:00.000-04:002005-08-15T00:56:02.456-04:00

Isn't it comforting to know that the Axis of Evil is strengthening now that Iraqi Shi'ites have been given a chance to run their own country and ally with Iran's Shi'ite government?Isn't it comforting to know that our government is always working hard, on important issues like steroids in professional sports, sex in video games, and strength in Axes of Evil?Previous Pairs: 8/7/05|8/4/05|8/3/05|8/

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123680972325653922005-08-10T09:29:00.000-04:002005-08-10T09:36:26.440-04:00

Rep. Mark Kennedy has posted another news story to his website, again showing only excerpts. There are suspicions that he has deleted a considerable amount of material from the original story, but no one has been able to confirm this claim, mostly because no one has been able to confirm the existence of a blog titled, "The Armchair Politician," from which this story was reportedly taken. The

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123680584324633162005-08-10T09:11:00.000-04:002005-08-10T09:29:44.330-04:00

The Kennedy campaign website included more than two dozen excerpts from articles originally published by the AP, the Star Tribune, the St. Paul Pioneer Press, the New York Times, the Washington Post and other publications. In none were any unflattering or critical remarks about Kennedy included in the website versions, all labeled as "excerpts." In all cases, the website included ellipses where

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123525490965742362005-08-08T14:18:00.000-04:002005-08-08T14:26:28.626-04:00

You may not realize it yet, but America is screaming for a president who's not a politician. America doesn't start wars because she's a jackhole, America starts wars because she can't talk reasonably to other countries because America's throat is hoarse from all the screaming. For a non-politician president.The Armchair Politician asks: who could be further from a politician than someone who's

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123480392262620312005-08-08T09:04:00.000-04:002005-08-08T09:04:41.736-04:00

Minnesota Vikings quarterback Dante Culpepper recently received a raise worth at least $2 million.For doing what?This:

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123475586726868222005-08-08T00:14:00.000-04:002005-08-08T01:23:53.460-04:00

If Count Chocula and The Count from Sesame Street joined forces, would they become the most powerful vampire duo in the world, or would they squander all their time together laughing that laugh they laugh so well?If Cap'n Crunch and Captain Morgan joined forces, would they become the most powerful pirate duo in the world, or would Morgan ultimately throw Crunch overboard after getting sick of all

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123462724838528172005-08-08T00:11:00.000-04:002005-08-08T09:31:05.540-04:00

...Minnesota faces the prospect of allowing its judges and judicial candidates to declare political affiliations and seek campaign contributions...For too long, judges have been dragged down by the bulky weight of independent thought, independence from campaigning, independence from special interests, and barbells. At last, they can soar through the sky, their wings lifted by attack ads, promises

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123274736170385892005-08-05T17:35:00.000-04:002005-08-05T17:42:45.636-04:00

Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty's new Performance Pay for Politicians "plan would have lawmakers forgo their June pay if they exceed the May adjournment deadline in budget years. Should their work spill into July, they would forfeit their July and August checks as well." According to the Star Tribune, "Legislators make $31,140 a year, while the governor makes $120,303."Many have dismissed

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123196880440691002005-08-04T19:08:00.000-04:002005-08-04T19:16:25.723-04:00

How many Americans would vote for a third-party candidate if someone guaranteed them that the candidate from their major party (Dem/Rep) of choice would win the election no matter how they voted? How many Americans would go to a third party if someone guaranteed them that this party is totally lame and that the one at Ryan's house has, like, three kegs and, like, totally way more hot chicks than

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123196042943830312005-08-04T18:38:00.000-04:002005-08-04T18:54:02.950-04:00

"No, no, see, you're not listening. It's a war on terror. A war. On terror.Like, this big. ...Honest!"

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1122910667237979152005-08-03T15:50:00.000-04:002005-08-08T13:36:45.166-04:00

Today’s "Potential Aught-Eight Presidential Candidate" is another long shot. A long shot, that is, until you don the following gay apparel:Got that donned? Good. Now you’re ready to believe my proposition.Mr. Candidate, please rise:You knew it was coming. Now pull the bill of your hat down and listen up. The proposed legislation has already been proposed to eliminate the presidential term limit (

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1122872895420353652005-08-03T11:48:00.000-04:002005-08-08T01:28:46.093-04:00

How long will it be before Jenna and Barbara have their own reality TV show?How long will it be before my left foot has its own reality TV show?Bonus follow-up question: How long will it be before my right foot gets jealous of my left foot’s reality TV show ("Average Toe") and starts dating Paris Hilton’s left foot’s reality TV show out of desperation and envy?Previous Pairs: 8/2/05|8/1/05|7/29/05

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1123005458042600792005-08-02T13:50:00.000-04:002005-08-02T13:58:44.360-04:00

From the Star Tribune "Letters From Readers" page:A solution to the falling foam problem for the space shuttle: Wrap the large fuel tank with a strong, fitted wire mesh. The mesh would keep any loose foam chunks from breaking loose and endangering the space shuttle.-- [A man], Canby, Minn.The sounds of engineers slapping their foreheards in duhdom could be heard echoing through the hallowed

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1122872949895148692005-08-02T10:58:00.000-04:002005-08-08T01:29:41.980-04:00

How long will it be before the U.S. Congress gets its own reality TV show?How long would it be before the American people realize they were duped into watching C-SPAN and C-SPAN2?Previous Pairs: 8/1/05|7/29/05

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1122989757890145802005-08-02T09:21:00.000-04:002005-08-02T10:59:30.253-04:00

A friendly blogspot user has pointed out that two new planets have been discovered, not just one. Presenting 2003 EL61:The real news here is the state of our planet mnemonic... that is, still in ruins. 2003 EL61 joins 2003 UB313 in the recent and growing list of new planets with mnemonic-ruining potential. At the current gait, I predict that the number of known planets in our solar system will

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1122926273888601382005-08-01T15:47:00.000-04:002005-08-04T10:31:12.493-04:00

Rafael Palmeiro insists that he "never intentionally used steroids. Never. Ever. Period." Said Government Reform Committee chairman spokesman Rob White: "If true [that Palmeiro took steroids], this is disheartening news for those of us who believed Mr. Palmeiro was a key ally in our effort to rid sports of performance enhancing drugs."Based on the testimony of Palmeiro and many others, it seems

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1122924089113287962005-08-01T15:15:00.000-04:002005-08-01T15:47:16.223-04:00

20 Years after Being “Born Again,” President Bush Acts Like a ChristianIn a move that can only be described as pants-wettingly unexpected, President George W. Bush announced today that America will begin a true policy of nuclear nonproliferation and dismantlation. Beginning tomorrow, the Pentagon will act on a plan to peaceably destroy (i.e., sans detonation) all nuclear, biological, and chemical

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1122873395404358252005-08-01T09:15:00.000-04:002005-08-01T13:53:05.356-04:00

I was riding the bus the other day, day-dreaming, and some tough guy a few seats in front of me thought I was staring at him, I think. I think that because he approached me and said, “Hey! Quit staring at me.” I hadn’t been. But as he stood right in front of me after saying what he just said, I really didn’t know what to do, except stare back at him.“What’s your problem, pal? You wanna get your

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1122872669939249582005-08-01T09:03:00.000-04:002005-08-08T14:31:10.566-04:00

If Arnold Schwarzenegger is able to run for president in 2008, and does, will anyone vote for him?If Arnold Schwarzenegger is able to run for president in 2008, and does, will that be the first and most real sign of the coming apocalypse since the last three digits of the calendar year were all zeroes at the same time?Previous Pair: 7/29/05

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1122745475052046882005-07-30T13:26:00.000-04:002005-08-01T09:06:08.206-04:00

Former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was attacked by an unidentified man after questioning by the Iraqi special tribunal on Thursday, his lawyers say.I can only assume the "unidentified man" was Donald Rumsfeld, and that the following harsh verbal exchange took place during the skirmish:Rumsfeld: Jerk!Hussein: Liar!R: You're the liar!H: Nuh-uh! You are!R: Takes one to know one!H: You said I'd

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1122743926949496492005-07-30T13:00:00.000-04:002005-07-30T13:18:46.956-04:00

A new planet has been discovered. It's about time, isn't it? How long has it been since the last one? The planet has no official name yet, but its temporary name is "2003 UB313." I understand they don't want to make another "Uranus" gaffe, but come on. 2003 UB313? Let's see, how will that mnemonic go now... My Very Eager Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas 2003. Perfect.From the New York Times

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1122668670234787932005-07-29T16:11:00.000-04:002005-08-01T11:41:07.776-04:00

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, what would be more significant: that she would be the first woman ever elected president, or that she would be the first spouse of a former president ever elected president?If Hillary Clinton is elected President, what would Bill Clinton be called: President Clinton, former president Clinton, First Lady, First Gentleman, First Willy, Second Lady, Second

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1122646081892958652005-07-29T09:53:00.000-04:002005-07-29T10:17:55.080-04:00

No, this isn't a story about the youth giving an old guy a new hair color. Apparently the oldest man in Minnesota passed away Wednesday, and his name was Charles Young. Young was 110. That is, Young was old. This joke has officially worn out its welcome right about... well, about three sentences ago. (Or was it one century ago... okay, four sentences ago.)(Be sure to read the article, though; at

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1122578774503284672005-07-28T15:21:00.000-04:002005-08-01T11:09:26.043-04:00

The first in a series of sneak peaks at the potential presidential candidates for 2008. This first one is a long shot, to be sure, but a tantalizing notion, nonetheless:The Chuckster. The Mouth from the South. The Round Mound of Rebound. Sir Charles. Mr. President. Could there be any better way to round off that list of monikers? What Jesse Ventura did for Minnesota, Charles Barkley could do for

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126798923314647212005-07-28T11:39:00.000-04:002005-09-26T16:23:30.450-04:00

(1)(2)(3)(4)

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126798598624278412005-07-28T11:30:00.000-04:002005-09-15T11:46:44.533-04:00

The PotentialsHillary Clinton / John WayneBig BirdGeorge W. BushCharles BarkleyStoriesNews from New Hampshire

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1126798113874440342005-07-28T11:22:00.000-04:002005-11-14T13:19:57.793-05:00

This is where the tough questions are asked. Parallel questions. In pairs.Usually once a day. Sometimes every day.November 200511/14/05September 20059/30/059/25/05 (2)9/25/05 (1)9/19/059/18/05 (+ bonus)9/15/059/11/059/10/05August 20058/30/058/27/05 (2)8/27/05 (1)8/22/058/20/058/15/05 (2)8/15/05 (1)8/10/058/7/05 (+ bonus)8/4/058/3/05 (+ bonus)8/2/058/1/05July 20057/29/05

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14321047.post-1127252453481396672005-07-28T09:32:00.000-04:002005-09-20T18:11:10.840-04:00

Where there is internet, there is conspiracy theory. The primary source at The Armchair Politician is the Tin Foil Hat. Who whispers.Topic (date)American Theocracy (9/20/05)New Orleans (9/12/05) (special guest hat!)Hurricane Katrina (9/11/05)Saddam Hussein (8/20/05)Cindy Sheehan (8/18/05)

jereminatenoreply@blogger.com0