Golden Gate Ostrich Suspected of Terrorism

Commuters are used to traffic backups during the rush-hour commute on the Golden Gate Bridge. But even this had to throw some of them for a loop: An ostrich got loose from a minivan Monday and started roaming around near the toll plaza on the bridge.

The San Francisco area, and the Golden Gate Bridge in particular, has been on a high terror watch ever since September 11, 2001. It came as no surprise, then, that the ostrich that was loose on the Bridge this Monday was immediately taken into custody by high-level officials.

Despite its powerful thighs--used for outrunning fast predators and for kicking slower predators in the backs of their heads--officials do not believe the ostrich itself was capable of committing any terroristic acts on the Bridge. However, most officials agreed that it was possible, and therefore likely, that the bird was hiding some kind of explosive, and therefore some kind of weapon of mass destruction, likely somewhere inside its digestive system. A few officials claimed to have visual documentation of that, but refused to comment when asked to present them.

As a precautiouary measure, in the words of one official, "for the sake of preserving America's freedom," the ostrich was opened up in hopes of finding the weapon of mass destruction that officials were now certain existed, most likely in the large intestine.

They found only mostly-digested plants and lizards. Officials offered no apology to the ostrich, but did offer the press the explanation that they were never looking for a weapon of mass destruction in the first place, and that they only wanted to keep Bay area commuters safe from the ostrich's ideologies of hate and kicking-people-in-the-back-of-the-head.