Exxon Mobil on record profits: "Boo-yah!"

US oil giant Exxon Mobil made a record $25.3bn profit in 2004 as it benefited from the surge in crude oil prices.... Revenues hit a record $298bn as worries over disruption to oil supplies in Iraq, Nigeria and Russia lifted prices. The firm's annual profit is higher than the gross domestic product of Syria.

Exxon Mobil officials at a recent press conference said that they were pleased the oil industry has finally been at able to catch a break, now that oil prices are "reasonable." The officials generally declined to comment after reporters recounted countless tales of American workers being devastatingly affected by the high gas prices, with the exception one "We've got families to feed, too," utterance.

At last, however, the tales became unbearable, and an official broke down: "You know what? Fuck 'em! We don't give a shit about the supposed 'hard-working Americans.' We work hard too, you know that? If people don't like how high gas prices are, maybe they should start their own oil giant and set the prices themselves. If they don't want to do that, they should shut the hell up. Welcome to Capitalism 101, bitches!"

The official then proceeded to calmly break down the Exxon Mobil 2004 annual report.