"Performance Pay for Politicians" Proposal Perfected: The Suck Factor

Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty's new Performance Pay for Politicians "plan would have lawmakers forgo their June pay if they exceed the May adjournment deadline in budget years. Should their work spill into July, they would forfeit their July and August checks as well." According to the Star Tribune, "Legislators make $31,140 a year, while the governor makes $120,303."

Many have dismissed Pawlenty's proposal as nothing more than a publicity stunt, while others have claimed the plan will "create the classic definition of a conflict of interest for legislators," despite the words "the classic definition of" being wholly unnecessary.

What seems clear is that his proposal does not go far enough. To avoid classic, modern, post-modern, and even some romantic definitions of conflicts of interests, the real solution is to immediately implement the Suck Factor for politicians. The concept is simple: Every politician's pay will be inversely indexed to a Suck Factor. That is, the more a politician sucks, the less he or she will be paid. The same concept is applied to politicians who blow. The index is doubled for those who both suck and blow.

For a real world example, take the case of the Governor. Stunts like this proposal, the great casino cop-out of '05, and the cigarette semantics disco earn T-Paw a very high Suck Factor, on account of all the sucking and blowing. Some might call him a wacked-out shop vac. Looking for a good time. Sailor. It's earned him a Suck Factor of approximately 87.5, to be approximate. Apply this factor to his salary of $120,303, and he earns approximately $400 a year. This gives the governor two options: find a new job that pays more, or suck less.

Hence, the Suck Factor works.