Potential Aught-Eight Presidential Candidate

You may not realize it yet, but America is screaming for a president who's not a politician. America doesn't start wars because she's a jackhole, America starts wars because she can't talk reasonably to other countries because America's throat is hoarse from all the screaming. For a non-politician president.

The Armchair Politician asks: who could be further from a politician than someone who's not even human? Who could possibly fit better in the Oval Office than someone who's body is already oval-shaped? Who could unite Americans of all ages, races, and classes like never before? Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows. But the answer to the other questions is... Big Bird.

Big Bird? Absurd, you say? His largest obstacle will no doubt be the non-human thing. But watch the floodgates open once the native-born rule is lifted: there's going to be all kinds of crazy critters free-falling down that slippery slope.

Take a look at why Big Bird would do so well running for president:

• Who doesn't love Big Bird?
• No moron would dare run attack ads against him.
• He's a bird. The bald eagle is a bird. You do the math.
• He's great with kids.
• A shoe-in with the Hispanic vote after making Maria his running mate.
• Likely to take GLBT vote. Come on. He's a leeeetle bit gay.
• He's also pals with Bert and Ernie.
• Has experience working with the disgruntled and the homeless.
• Gained trust of parents after disassociating himself from "Tickle Me Elmo."
• No strings attached: Big Bird answers to no one but Big Bird.
• He's freakin' Big Bird, for crying out loud.
• Finally, the Bird knows his foreign policy:

If you aren't yet convinced that Big Bird is a Potential, at least the seed has been planted. The birdseed, that is. Oh, yes.


Previous Potentials:
George W. Bush
Charles Barkley