The Armchair is Empty

The Armchair Politician has been stagnant for some time now, and this is merely a proper acknowledgement.

This site isn't going anywhere, and perhaps the Armchair will be filled again someday. But, for now, simply enjoy the posts that were.

GAO reports troubles with focus on abstinence in AIDS prevention; Sharon Stone, others weight in on the issue

The Washington Post reported that the Government Accountability Office has found that strict requirements from the Bush White House on how much of AIDS prevention money in Africa should be used for abstinence programs "presents challenges to their ability to respond to the local epidemiology and cultural and social norms." Voices from around the nation have chimed in with the opinions of those to whom the voices belong:

[Unfortunately, the FCC has deemed the content of this piece too controversial for the internet. Although they admit that they have no official control over the internet, one spokesperson said, "What are you gonna do? Stop us?" President Bush was purportedly quoted as saying, "They must ab-stain from odd scenes. Heh, heh. ... Huh? Yeah, I know I meant obb scenes."]

Breaking news: Nobody likes bad news

The dedicated staff of one at the Armchair Politician (sort of like the Army of One, but less fatigued killing, more fatiguing writing) has been hitting the news wires hard lately, vainly trying to scrounge up something of which to make the subject fun.

Nothing, but death penalties, killer storms, and life-taking explosions. Since the real news is too dark to make light of, this story serves as the first in what has a wisp of a chance of beginning a regular feature:

The UnNews: Where uncomfortable news stories are reassuringly claimed to be untrue. (Phew!)

• The Vice President did not recently shoot his hunting buddy. Antonin Scalia is in fine health.


• Hilary Clinton is indeed telling the truth when she says she has no plan to run for President in 2008. She plans to secretly work on the campaign for the Republican nominee by pretending to run for President herself.


• A jury did not recently deliberate for 17 hours before deciding that Zacarias Moussaoui is eligible for the death penalty. They deliberated for 0.4 seconds, wrote down their decision in 3.6 seconds, spent 4 hours coming up with intricate and obscene ways the government could implement said death penalty, 10 hours arguing about politics and the 2008 presidential race, 2 hours playing foosball, 59 minutes trying to figure out the correct way to spell the defendant's name, and 56 seconds carefully re-writing the decision.

Eager legislators look beyond soda tax

It was reported recently that some scientists are now calling for a so-called "fat tax" on sodas and fast food, in the interest of forcing the public toward what they view as healthier choices. However, some U.S. Congressmen, who requested to remain anonymous, knowing that their quotes would be mostly fabricated anyway, have already said that they'd like to go much further than taxing merely sodas and fast foods.

"Sure, taxing fatty foods would be nice, but people are unhealthy in so many other ways," one legislator said. "I really think there are many more opportunities for revenue out there that we're not taking advantage of, sadly." The public servants said that they could envision putting taxes on things like watching television, using personal computers, living in highly-pollutant cities, getting too much sun, going outside without a jacket when it's cold or raining, or leafing through papers too quickly.

The congressmen then explained that they had many more ideas for new taxes designed to help us all live healthier lives, but that they had to get the boxes from their cars. At that point, this reporter decided that it would be a good time to go for a run, in hopes that there might be a tax credit for it someday.

Exclusive: Interview with terrorist cat

Recently, a Connecticut house cat who goes only by the name Lewis was accused of terrorizing a Fairfield neighborhood. Lewis reportedly bit and scratched several people in a severe manner over a span of three years. He has now been ordered to serve a lifetime sentence of house arrest. The Armchair Politician recently visited Lewis for an exclusive interview.

AP: Thank you for spending some time with us today, Lewis. I understand that you are under house arrest?

LC: I'm going to take a nap.

AP: Well, we were hoping you could spare a few moments. A lot of people have claimed that you bit and scratched them. How do you respond to these allegations?

LC: Don't talk to me.

AP: But you don't deny them? Do you regret your actions?

LC: This is Lewis's time.

AP: Your owner says you're a good kitty, but some reporters have even gone so far as to say that you were "terrorizing" the neighborhood. How do you respond to that?

LC: Go away.

AP: These reports won't simply go away, I'm afraid. Do you see yourself as a terrorist, Lewis?

LC: I'm going to bite you.

AP: I see. Is it because of the lack of fur on my skin? Are these outbursts meant to be political statements, or are they merely acts of desperation?

LC: Forget it, too much effort.

AP: Do you feel that you will struggle to live a meaningful existence in prison?

LC: Zzzzzzz.

2006: Year of the Third Party?

With Republicans generally tied to the President's low approval ratings and Democrats still largely viewed as the party of idealess contrarians, the Armchair Politician wonders if political pundits will begin wondering whether these attitudes will mark an upward trend for third parties in the 2006 elections. It could be that American citizens, fed up with the options provided, will flock to outlier parties such as the Green, Libertarian, and Constitutional. Or perhaps it will be the Year of the Independent.

Most likely, though, citizens will recognize the inherent inability for third parties to succeed--due largely to low numbers of votes--and choose not to waste their votes. The Armchair Politician has learned, in fact, that by saving a vote, a citizen may use the extra vote in future elections. The country now waits with bated breath to see on which potential aught-eight presidential candidate millions of disillusioned voters will decide to redeem decades of saved votes.

Stay tuned for an exclusive report on how headlines that come in the form of questions invariably are answered in the negative.

Breaking News: Freedom Protests

According to BBC News, mass job protests have hit France. The White House issued the following brief statement in response: "No hitting, please."

There is no word yet on whether France plans to hit back, but the White House has also stated that, if that should happen, it has full intentions to "send both sides to their rooms."

There is no word yet on whether France and the mass job protests would be allowed dessert.

Fake Blogger Adds to Fake Political Blog After Real Absence Due to Fake Reasons

In an alarming move that few will notice, the Armchair Politician posted a story to the blog, The Armchair Politician, today. This comes after a 4.5-month absence. While the blog is not widely read, rumors still surfaced. Primary among them was the rumor believed by most to be true: that the Armchair Politician had not posted to the blog during that absence.

When asked to comment on the surprising--but unsurprisingly unimportant--new addition, the blogger had this to say:

In an alarming move that few will notice, the Armchair Politician posted a story to the blog, The Armchair Politician, today. This comes after a 4.5-month absence. While the blog is not widely read, rumors still surfaced. Primary among them was the rumor believed by most to be true: that the Armchair Politician had not posted to the blog during that absence.

When asked to comment on the surprising--but unsurprisingly unimportant--new addition, the blogger had this to say:

In an alarming move that few will notice, the Armchair Politician posted a story to the blog, The Armchair Politician, today. This comes after a 4.5-month absence. While the blog is not widely read, rumors still surfaced. Primary among them was the rumor believed by most to be true: that the Armchair Politician had not posted to the blog during that absence.

When asked to comment on the surprising--but unsurprisingly unimportant--new addition, the blogger had this to say:

In an alarming move that few will notice, the Armchair Politician posted a story to the blog, The Armchair Politician, today. This comes after a 4.5-month absence. While the blog is not widely read, rumors still surfaced. Primary among them was the rumor believed by most to be true: that the Armchair Politician had not posted to the blog during that absence.

When asked to comment on the surprising--but unsurprisingly unimportant--new addition, the blogger had this to say:

In an alarming move that few will notice, the Armchair Politician posted a story to the blog, The Armchair Politician, today. This comes after a 4.5-month absence. While the blog is not widely read, rumors still surfaced. Primary among them was the rumor believe by most to be true: that the Armchair Politician was not posted the blog during that absence.

When asked to comment on the surprising--but unsurprisingly unimportant--new addition, the blogger had this to say:

In an alarming move that few will notice, the Armchair Politician posted a story to the blog, The Armchair Politician, today. This comes after a 4.5-month absence. While the blog is not widely read, rumors still surfaced. Primary among them was the rumor believed by most to be true: that the Armchair Politician had not posted to the blog during that absence.

When asked to comment on the surprising--but unsurprisingly unimportant--new addition, the blogger had this to say:

In an alarming move that few will notice, the Armchair Politician posted a story to the blog, The Armchair Politician, today. This comes after a 4.5-month absence. While the blog is not widely read, rumors still surfaced. Primary among them was the rumor believed by most to be true: that the Armchair Politician had not posted to the blog during that absence.

When asked to comment on the surprising--but unsurprisingly unimportant--new addition, the blogger had this to say:

In an alarming move that few will notice, the Armchair Politician posted a story to the blog, The Armchair Politician, today. This comes after a 4.5-month absence. While the blog is not widely read, rumors still surfaced. Primary among them was the rumor believed by most to be true: that the Armchair Politician had not posted to the blog during that absence.

When asked to comment on the surprising--but unsurprisingly unimportant--new addition, the blogger had words to say.