Breaking news: Nobody likes bad news

The dedicated staff of one at the Armchair Politician (sort of like the Army of One, but less fatigued killing, more fatiguing writing) has been hitting the news wires hard lately, vainly trying to scrounge up something of which to make the subject fun.

Nothing, but death penalties, killer storms, and life-taking explosions. Since the real news is too dark to make light of, this story serves as the first in what has a wisp of a chance of beginning a regular feature:

The UnNews: Where uncomfortable news stories are reassuringly claimed to be untrue. (Phew!)

• The Vice President did not recently shoot his hunting buddy. Antonin Scalia is in fine health.


• Hilary Clinton is indeed telling the truth when she says she has no plan to run for President in 2008. She plans to secretly work on the campaign for the Republican nominee by pretending to run for President herself.


• A jury did not recently deliberate for 17 hours before deciding that Zacarias Moussaoui is eligible for the death penalty. They deliberated for 0.4 seconds, wrote down their decision in 3.6 seconds, spent 4 hours coming up with intricate and obscene ways the government could implement said death penalty, 10 hours arguing about politics and the 2008 presidential race, 2 hours playing foosball, 59 minutes trying to figure out the correct way to spell the defendant's name, and 56 seconds carefully re-writing the decision.